Men tend to employ a “if it is broke, fix it,” mentality.
They believe in taking action when they encounter a problem.
It is not uncommon for a man to retreat into privacy to think
through a problem without asking the opinions of others. He
will ponder, and perhaps even conduct formal research, before
reaching a decision. Once he has a solution in mind he will
take action to initiate it. After he has successfully addressed
the situation at hand, he may wish to talk about the brilliance
of his strategy, or the success of his results. Seldom do men
want to ask others what they should do about their problems.
Women operate a bit differently. Women like to talk through
their problems as opposed to thinking through them in private.
Women feel better after explaining their problems to others,
even if a solution to the problem is yet to be discovered.
Speaking aloud provides a way for a woman to clarify her thoughts
and explore the various dimensions of the issue at hand. Often
times this practice of “talking through problems” is
misunderstood or misinterpreted by men.
When a man hears a woman he cares about discussing something
that is distressing her, his first inclination may be to help
by sending her a solution to her problem. He begins by saying “Well,
if I were you I would…,” or, “What you need
to do is…” Another man would likely appreciate
this direct approach to helping him solve a problem. Unfortunately,
a woman might not be receptive to this approach. She may let
the man know that his solution is off base, because he doesn’t
know the full extent and history involved in the problem, and
then go on to explain them further, or surprisingly, she may
report that she already knows what she is going to do!
A man might be inclined to ask why the problem is still being
discussed if a solution has already been found. The woman may
respond that she is testing out her solution by running it
past others whose opinions she values before committing to
action. She may go so far as to phone several others to ask
what they would do in a similar situation. She then synthesizes
their responses with her own plan to refine it before enacting
it.
Women sometimes even feel patronized when a man attempts to
assist her by sending along a workable solution. “He
doesn’t think I know how to do anything!” she will
whisper to her friends. A woman will feel more supported by
the man in her life if he abstains from offering advice, and
asks clarifying questions to help her better think through
her own issues. Here are five questions that will help a woman
picture the outcome she wants, discover her options, weight
her risks, and develop a plan.
Given the situation at hand, what would be the best possible
result that you could achieve?
What option do you have for obtaining that outcome?
What are the risks, or downsides of each option?
Which risks could you most easily and completely control?
What are you going to do?
Another reason that women like to talk is to formulate a mental
measuring stick of their own value. Although both men and women
gossip, women are usually accused of it more often than men.
A man’s gossip tends to differ from women’s gossip
in content and comment. One man might tell another man his
opinion about a speculative event, such as who will get an
upcoming promotion or demotion at work, but seldom will a man
reveal deeply personal information to others. Some men may
even feel it is a sign of weakness or vulnerability to talk
about their personal emotional issues to others.
Women tend to talk more about their feelings to other women
than men do, and then ask, “Is it normal for me to feel
this way?” Women may also trade tales about what is happening
in a third party’s personal life, and compare their own
situation to it in hopes of noticing how much better they have
handled things than others. Gossip serves as a way that a woman
can stay in the loop, and judge her own role competency as
a woman.
When women gossip the tale tends to grow taller with every
telling. Women add their impressions and opinions to gossip
as they pass it along, where men stick more to the original
facts as he first heard them as he passes the story along.
For this reason men’s gossip tends to morph less than
women’s gossip as it passes from one person to the next
and retains more of its original content.
It is a rare man that has never been accused of not listening
when a woman speaks. A woman may even give her man a “listening
test,” if his mind seems to have wandered away from the
conversation. “Okay, tell me what I just said!” she
will exclaim. Much to her amazement, the male partner in the
conversation can usually relate the most salient points of
her verbal presentation back to her. So if a man really is
listening, why does a woman think he isn’t? It could
be because men listen without interruption or comment.
Dr. Deborah Tannen, author of You Just Don’t Understand:
Men and Women in Conversation (2001) states that women feel
listened to when the other person in the conversation makes
supportive utterances as she talks. Interjecting phrases such
as “I see,” or “Tell me more,” convey
understanding and interest. “That’s great,” or “Oh,
no!” provides empathy and support. Men who wish to be
thought of as good listeners by their female counterparts will
want to become more involved and active in the conversation,
and contribute their own reactions to what she is saying.
Men sometimes get lost in the verbal barrage that a woman
can generate when she is talking to him. Few women get directly
to the point when telling a story. They bring in seemingly
irrelevant details and draw analogies to things that men cannot
comprehend as being germane to the topic being discussed. This
circular speech pattern tends to be frustrating for men to
follow and they may eventually ask that the woman come directly
to the point. This is a useless request, since for women, all
of the details are part of the point to be made. To help a
woman consolidate her conversation interrupt politely and say, “Let
me see if I am following this…,” then repeat what
she has stated in an abbreviated form. Often times she will
pick up on the summary style of the man, and will complete
her story in a more condensed version.
A woman may use conversation to feel closer to the man she
loves. Females tend to need more verbal reassurance than men
regarding the secure status of their relationship. Men tend
to want to talk about the relationship only when a problem
arises with it, while women feel the need to discuss how good
the relationship is, or how much it has grown over time. What
man doesn’t want to sprint from the room when a woman
says, “Honey, let’s talk about our relationship”?
Resist the urge to run gentleman, and simply say, “Yes,
let’s! I have been meaning to tell you how much you mean
to me.” Then proceed to spontaneously tell your lady
that you love her more each day, and specifically what she
does that makes your life better. A grand tribute of verbal
appreciation and a hug will be all she needs to allay any doubts
that she has been feeling about your commitment to her.
When conversing with a woman, especially about how you feel,
it is important to maintain consistent eye contract. When men
talk to one another, they often speak while looking at a third
thing rather than at each other. Women look directly at one
another when they converse. Many women believe that the eyes
are the window to the soul, and they are able to derive a great
deal of meaning from what a man is saying to her with his eyes.
One last tip guys, to prevent a woman from nagging, write
down the things that she asks you to do so you won’t
forget to do them, and let her know approximately when you
intend to get around to the requested tasks. Typically, she
will not bring them up again unless the deadline passes and
no action has been taken. Don’t make false commitments
and say that you will do things that you have no intention
of actually accomplish. If you stay credible with her, she
will not disrupt your solitude with repeated reminders to get
things done.
Yes, women are great talkers. They talk to establish rapport,
to fend off nervousness, to feel closer to others, to support
and reassure others, to measure their own competence, to feel
included and to get things done. Resistance is futile, fellas.
To assure that the females in your life feel loved, listen
well, take an active interest in her life, and provide frequent
verbal reinforcement of the fact that she is, indeed, your
everything. Tell her that life without her would be intolerable.
She will definitely stop talking to listen to that!
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